This was my first attempt at writing a flash fiction story. It is under 200 words, but flash fiction stories can run as many as 1,000 words. It is about a woman who finds out she has breast cancer and dealing with unexpected things in unusual ways. Enjoy!

TITS

She says: “Tits. I like tits. I wish I had a thousand of them. All mine. I’d organize them size-to-size, color-to-color. There’s something satisfying about having amputated tits everywhere.”

He’s holding the pamphlet in hands cold and calm not sure how much is morbid irony. Impending doom. He looks over to her cupping them, pressing in, imagining not having anything there. He has already promised, vowed, to take her there, the strip clubs. Well, as much as his wallet dared, anytime she wanted.

Her sad pale face showed it wasn’t what she wanted, but her words knew he was trying to be there in a way they both wanted, though could never be, and thanked him anyway.

She says: “I have an idea.”

Eight months to the day he sits there in their apartment by the bay. Walls adorned with rubber cast tits. Everywhere. Organized size-to-size, color-to-color. And he sits there and stares at the mantle. Stares at the jar, two perfectly preserved tits, staring back—His shrine to the ghost of her.

Having spent a large chuck of my adult life living in Pittsburgh I’ve become something of a zombie connoisseur.

I’ve viewed many, if not most, of the quality zombie flicks out there. While these zombie movies are entertaining they are severely lacking in real life survival techniques. Often these movies go as far as suggesting that if you only brain enough zombies or shoot enough zombies you’ll make it out alive. Yeah, good luck with that approach.

Some call it a zombie attack or a zombie invasion, but when faced with the zombie apocalypse will you survive?

Two essential methods to surviving a zombie outbreak are:

1. Vector
2. Velocity

Vector is how something spreads through the population of zombies by combining the things necessary for the thing to pass on. You need something that will spread through the ranks of the zombies while leaving the humans alone for the most part.

Velocity is how quickly something spreads from one zombie to the next zombie.

The First Steps:

In the movies the group of survivors just happen to be experts in every discipline needed to survive. However, if you’ve ever watched the television show Survivor you know exactly how helpless modern people have really becoming.

Weapons:

The first things you will need are basic weapons and an escape route. Generally speaking you should be able to get away with only two weapons. One weapon should be a ranged weapon and the other should be a bludgeoning or bladed weapon. These weapons never run out of ammunition.

Most people, especially your typical city dweller, has no idea how to accurately fire a gun. That leaves you with one option, a shotgun. Shotguns have limited range, but if you point them in the general direction you want them to fire they get the job done. A 12-guage shotgun is one of the most common firearms around and packs enough stopping power to take down pursuing zombies. This weapon is easily found in most stores or in rural farmhouses.

For your choice of weapon without range a machete or baseball make excellent choices. They are lightweight and portable. An alternative weapon, for the squeamish or your garden-variety pacifist (zombies are people too, snuffle), is a four to six foot long metal pole. Alternatively a one to two inch thick wooden dowel rod would also work. This weapon is useful for opening doors from a distance and pushing zombies away so you stay out of their bite range. Additionally the pole can be capped with a sharpened bit of metal turning it into a spear. Metal or wooden poles can be found at your hardware or home improvement store.

Escape Route:

When stressed and thrust into chaotic situations normally intelligent people make the most careless mistakes. While running away and hopping in your car may provide momentary solutions they will fail in the short or long term. What you really need is time to formulate a basic plan.

So what do you do?

You climb. Zombies can’t climb. They lack the coordination to be able to climb up things like ropes or ladders. Sure some of them are great at running marathons, but hop up in a tree or top of your house and they’re stuck. The top of a building is even better since it gives you time a high vantage point with which to survey your escape route. However, a higher vantage point is a temporary solution. Stick around too long and you may find yourself surrounded without the hope of escape.

Food and Drink:

Next you’ll need nonperishable food and drinks. Place your tabbed soup cans, coffee beans, and water in an easy to carry backpack. Alcohol may also serve as a secondary first aid supply should you find yourself cut.

First Aid and Basics:

While you’re at it grab a basic first aid kit and road flares. Most zombies, as far as the movies have given us reason to believe, operate by sight and movement. Thrown flares may give you a needed diversion while avoiding the horde.

Shelter:

Your destination for your escape route should be the docks along a body of water. More specifically you’re going to need a boat. Ideally you’re looking for a houseboat or small yacht, but anything your survivor’s party can pile into with supplies will work. Something large enough to provide shelter from the elements, yet small enough to be easily searched for hiding places the undead might occupy. Anchor your boat in the middle of a deep lake or large river.

Warning: An island sounds ideal, but in reality it is simply too large to keep tabs on at all times. Most zombies cannot swim. However, they can wade across the bottom of a lake or river and will reach land eventually.

The Middle Steps:

After you’ve secured you and your survivor’s party from the hoard you will want to make a number of trips back to the mainland to gather additional supplies. In a true zombie outbreak scenario after two or three days everyone should be a survivor or a zombie.

The Library:

If you are anything like other modern people your knowledge of constructing basic machines and survival techniques is relegated to the shadowy regions of your memory where introduction to woodshop classes and the boy scouts/girl scouts reside.

Luckily there are places called libraries where you can find information on building basic machines, water filtration, beginning construction, wilderness survival, farming and several other topics. Books, unlike the Internet, don’t require electricity.

The Hardware Store:

A hardware or home improvement store has all the necessary items you will need in the beginning. If you’re unable to reach such places any rural farmhouse should be able to provide you with basic weapons and food.

Later pontoon boats can be constructed to provide areas to grow crops.

The Farm Supply Store:

Farm supply stores have long-term necessities like seeds and related equipment like generators. Wheelbarrows and wagons make excellent alternatives to shopping carts.

The Supermarket:

The supermarket is an obvious location for short to midterm solutions for food and supply concerns as well as shopping carts for additional carrying ability. However, since it is such an obvious choice chances are you will be putting yourself at risk of zombie attack for no reason. Supermarkets are likely to be already picked over by other survivors.

Restaurants and Homes:

These places are riskier locations to look for food supplies due to the smaller confined spaces, but are likely to have been overlooked in favor of supermarkets.

Final Steps:

In the end the only way to stop the zombie horde is to figure out what sort of zombies you are dealing with and how to apply a solution that will spread through the undead population at high velocity while vectoring towards only the zombies. Like an ant taking poisoned food back to its colony, massive infiltration is the only way to fight back against what amounts to a viral outbreak.

Are your zombies infected living, yet mindless organisms or are they reanimated corpses?

Finding the proper solution is key. Frankenstein’s Monster was animated with electricity and we know electrical surges can stop and start the heart so, electricity might stop the mindless living and/or undead as well.

If you suspect your zombies are living then trips to scientific and weapons labs could yield useful weapons like nerve and other gasses, flesh-eating bacteria, or heavy munitions. Other simpler solutions would be to bait the zombies with contaminated food sources or simply waiting until the zombies starve to death.

For undead corpses that have been reanimated you would use other bacteria, which breaks down dead organisms or even cadaver beetles may work.

So, now you know how to survive a zombie outbreak or just how to write a more realistic, kick ass zombie story. Happy Halloween!

Start with character. Then follow these 4 simple guidelines:

1. Head
2. Heart
3. Genitals
4. Rationalization

Head: Get inside the mind of your character and find out how they think.

Heart: Get inside the emotions of your character and find out how they feel.

Genitals: Find out what they like and whom they want to sleep with or whom they desire.

Rationalization: Figure out how your characters rationalize the things they do to stay within their moral code.